Category Archives: Funny

Stereotypes

Here is a (semi) complete, (semi) accurate list of stereotypes for orchestral instruments. Oh yeah.

  • Banjo: You’re probably Honey Boo-Boo’s third cousin removed four times or something. Stay away from the rest of us.
  • Bassoon: You try to be different, and are probably socially awkward. Odds are you don’t talk much, and when you do you say the wrong things.
  • Bass Clarinet: You’re awkward and obsessive.
  • Baritone: Identity unknown. You are a mystery, a Pandora’s box.
  • Cello: Underneath the band uniform you have a set of rock hard abs and the body of a god or goddess. You have a smile to kill for but are also painfully shy.
  • Clarinet: You like to turn up your nose at other people in your section and complain about them behind their backs. You’re a harsh critic.
  • Double Bass: You’re extremely intelligent and shy but your thoughts are scattered and random. You probably have dark hair.
  • Flute: If you’re good you’re probably a jerk to other people in your section. Even if you aren’t, people talk about you no matter what. You complain a lot and while you’re emotionally capable of handling yourself, you probably wouldn’t survive for too long out in the middle of the woods. Odds are you would also kill other flautists to get a higher chair.
  • French Horn: You know, you’re pretty hot. If you practice. If you don’t…uh…
  • Guitar: You’re obsessed with your preferred gender and like to talk about cars
  • Harp: You live the high life because let’s face it those things are EXPENSIVE. You have a Ferrari in your garage, don’t you?
  • Mandolin: You’re a few centuries off. You run around in tights and play ballads to heroes of war to other peasants on the streets.
  • Oboe: You’re extremely awkward and nobody gets your sense of humor. You also probably have plans of mass destruction hidden away in your instrument case.
  • Organ: You live in a church.
  • Percussion: You don’t like interacting with other sections and keep to yourselves. You are very competitive and like fast food.
  • Piccolo: Annoying and never shuts up. Ever. Also slightly self centered.
  • Piano: You probably have no room in your house to walk because of all the music books hidden around your house. You probably also have an affinity for cats.
  • Recorder: You’re a third grader or someone who was bored enough to actually learn the thing on the side.
  • Saxophone: You’re extremely competitive but fall over your words when you try and speak coherent sentences.
  • Trombone: You’re tall and skinny and very quiet. But we all know you’re just planning your next murder.
  • Trumpet: Ego. Ego ego ego ego ego. It grows and it grows and it consumes the entire universe.
  • Tuba: You like pizza and have a deep voice. Odds are you have a funny walk.
  • Ukulele: You’re a surfer and you live in Hawaii. No exceptions
  • Viola: You hate violinists and are very calm, and not extraordinarily competitive. You are a simple folk.
  • Violin: You are the most competitive instrument that there is. It’s bothering you right now, knowing your instrument was last on this list. Try not to stab anyone.

 

Advertisements
Tagged , , , ,

Ode to the Shower

Dear Shower,

Oh, where to begin? Shall I write a flowery intro? Or just cut to the chase?

Well then. Since no flowery intro has come to me, I shall simply tell you how I feel.

I love you, Shower. You’re the best friend anyone could ask for. You’re always warm and inviting, ready to wash away the dirt and grime of the day’s events. You’re ok with me singing OneDirection at the top of my lungs when we’re hanging out. Not many people would put up with that, but you do. That’s what I love about you, Shower, you’re so tolerant and non-judgemental. You don’t care if I’m covered in horse manure or if I have paintball schrapnel in my hair. It’s so refreshing to be with someone like you. You accept me for who I am, dirt and all.

-Anna

Now if I was to make this spiritual, I could say that Jesus is the same way. Because He is (except for the tolerant and non-judgemental bit… but let’s not get into politics here.) He accepts us for who we are, dirt, slime, paint, et al., and He washes us clean and renews us daily.

Fact of Life: Yoga pants are God’s way of telling us that, no matter how bad things get, He loves us.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Music Terms

If you’ve read the bio pages (hint! hint!), you’ll know that I love music and play the cello. Every once in a while musicians decide to stop being all serious and artsy (gasp) and have a sense of humor (another gasp). These musical terms (some original, some not-so-original) are a result of said humorous moments. If you don’t get them, just accept a pat on the head from me and move on.

ad libitum – playing notes that the composer totally did not write with an “I meant to do that” expression on your face

viola – the instrument they give people who can’t play the violin

cello – how I answer the phone

presto – faster than you’re actually able to play the music

senza sordino – the composer letting you know that you were supposed to put your mute on a few measures earlier

string quartet – a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists getting together to complain about composers and argue about how the music should really be played.

bar line – what musicians form after the concert

beat – what music students do to each other when they’re angry. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is performed on the bottom of the chin

rondo – plays basketball for the Celtics

etude – meaningless piece of music invented by teachers as busy work for their students

canon – it goes “boom!”. (note: a guy named Pachelbel crafted a particularly annoying one of these)

concerto – a virtuosic piece of music that pits a soloist against an orchestra as an excuse for the soloist to show off. May or may not actually contain interesting music.

cadenza – part of a concerto; in which the orchestra stops playing and the soloist has free reign. Rarely contains interesting music, but is almost always impressive.

accelerando – screw the conductor!

conductor – a big-headed individual who is also adept at following many people simultaneously

flute – A sophisticated dart gun with many valves and a range of over 750 yards. Held sideways to confuse enemies and maintain stealth

piccolo – same as flute, but intended for close quarters

glissando – a technique developed by string players for difficult runs

vibrato – technique developed by singers to disguise their pitch problems

chromatics – shiny accessories on wind instruments

dissonant – not to be confused with “datsonant”

falsetto – when guys who have gender identity issues sing notes that are too high for them

castrato – you don’t want to know

opera – bad guys reacting to Chuck Norris’ birth, embellished with vibrato and falsetto

perfect pitch – someone who is always in tune, and lets everyone know it

relative pitch – someone who is always almost in tune, and lets everyone know it

ricercar – a souped-up honda civic

equal temperament – not getting angry easily

mean temperament – getting angry very easily

half note – fifty cents

tone cluster – very interesting chord first discovered by a fat lady attempting a page turn at the piano

pentatonic scale – guitar solo

Da Capo – da thing you put on your guitar


Tagged , , ,

A senior’s guide to studying for finals

Tomorrow begins that week that is dreaded by all high school and college students alike: finals week. Having survived seven of these to date, I believe I have come up with a formula for preparing for finals without stressing out. As you’re studying, it might be helpful to use these handy steps. So without further ado, here is my solution to finals.

Step 1) Take a nap. Make sure you are well rested so that your brain can fully soak up all the information you are about to stuff in.

Step 2) Obtain all necessary study materials. These items include (but are not limited to): textbook, notebook, pen, pencil, highlighter, backpack, every quiz you’ve ever taken that pertains to the subject being studied, every piece of paper even remotely relevant to the subject being studied, and sundry other pieces of paper that are completely unrelated but are still important, 4 granola bars, a glass of iced tea (or coffee, depending on what time you’re studying,) and a cat.

Step 3) Snack time.

Step 4) Sit at the computer. Stare intently at the computer.

Step 5) Retrieve the study guide for the subject being studied and stare at it for 5 solid minutes. Decide which question should be answered first.

Step 6) Open Google Chrome.

Step 7) Open text book. Any page will do, as the text book is really only for appearances, so that if someone walks into the room, you can point to the book like you’re doing something important.

Step 8) Facebook.

Note: Should your mother happen to walk into the room, keep an extra tab open to a page that looks relevant to your studies.

Step 9) Bathroom break.

Step 10) Begin instant messaging best friend, because maybe he can help. Get sidetracked. Talk about music, cats, and funny pictures for 2 hours.

Note: Should your mother walk in at this point, shuffle some papers and ask friend a question from the study guide. Resume your conversation after she leaves. If this doesn’t work, make it look like you’re studying intently with your friend while still managing to waste time.

Step what step were we on?) Continue to waste time until it is almost midnight, then decide to start studying for real.

Step after that) Take a shower. It helps you think. No joke, I had no idea what I was going to write until I went to take a shower, and then the inspiration hit me. I had to write the first draft of this on my iPod.

Step eleventy eight) Back to the computer. Maybe check facebook really fast, but try not to get into a chat.

Step twelfth.7) Actually start filling out the study guide. After about 4 questions, decide that you’ll probably be able to wing the test.

Next step) Check facebook one more time.

After that) Drag yourself to bed any time after 1:30 am. You’re not going to learn anything when you’re this tired, might as well get some rest and let your brain recharge.

Step √7±22) Wake up on time the next morning and go to class. Ace that test like a boss.

Repeat this process as necessary for all finals.

And there you have it! A definitive guide to not only studying for, but passing even the toughest finals with flying colors. It worked for me for the last 4 years, so I guess you could say it has some merit, right? Maybe not. Oh well.

Fact of life: Results not typical. Don’t actually try this unless you are absolutely confident in your ability to fly blind in a test that could possibly determine your future as a neural surgeon. And if you do plan on becoming a brain surgeon and you use this method, let me know. I’ll make sure to warn people.

Hello Again…

…So nothing new has been posted here in a long time. I wonder whose fault that is. Mine? Right, anyways.

So now to remedying that. I was going to post a memo that A sent me, but that involved a slightly racist comment and didn’t make a whole lot of sense anyways. Apparently it was written after watching too much tv too late….moving on.

So here’s a video of my brother and I playing music. That came out of nowhere. But it’s kind of interesting and it’s a big part of why there’s not been a lot of time for writing. Enjoy!

I was going to award bonus points for scrolling down (and hopefully watching the video…*hint* *hint*), but I couldn’t think of a prize.

Wow, I just used comic sans. Please don’t kill me.

I’m done now. Really.

Tagged , , , , , ,

5 Useless Things You Can’t (but Probably Should) Live Without

There are things in this world that should not exist. This post will detail some things that should not exist. Since that is a really long term, I will refer to things that should not exist as useless crap. You should be reading this in a funny voice enunciating all the syllables. All of the following things actually exist. I did not make any of this up except for the commentary. You can google the products if you don’t believe me. Also know that most of them came from Bed Bath and Beyond (can I say that here? Can I mention a store by name like that?) because it is the Useless Crap store.

1) The remote control pillow. It’s a 6-in-1 universal remote control that is also a pillow. But what does it do? Does this thing make the bed? Vacuum? America, how lazy have we gotten? The pillow and the remote control are two completely different things. What happens if you fall asleep on it while you’re watching a movie? When you wake up, your movie will probably be playing in reverse with Portugese subtitles and there will be a window in the corner of the screen saying that the option you have selected is physically impossible and your cat will probably be staring at you as if to say, “Human, please. Make it stop.” Say no to the remote control pillow.

2) As Seen On TV *brand name* Magic Gravity Ball. Why? The customer reviews said that if you drop it on your foot, it is actually heavy and it hurts. This gravity ball claims to defy gravity. Why, then, would you be able to drop it on your foot and come to the conclusion that it is heavy? Also, last time I checked, Gravity was a law. I found that out when I tried to swim through the air after having one of those floaty dreams. (Don’t judge. I had just watched Inception.) Laws like Gravity are not like the laws in New Jersey against slurping soup. Gravity always wins. I’m pretty sure the FBI isn’t going to bust your door down if you slurp your soup in New Jersey.

3) The iPod Dock Toilet Paper Holder. Because if you’re in there THAT LONG, you probably need a doctor, not your iPod. Or maybe some Ex-Lax.  Or maybe you need reverse Ex-Lax. Or maybe you have an addiction to Ex-Lax.  In which case, the Jeopardy theme would be appropriate to play on your iPod, but it would also be slightly inappropriate. That’s one possible use of the iPod Toilet Paper Holder. But if you’re having this problem often enough to warrant purchasing this thing, you probably still need a doctor. And also a therapist if you really have an addiction to Ex-Lax. Help is available, really.

4) Pajama Jeans. For a few minutes, I actually justified these to myself. I’m the type of person who does not wear jeans/normal people pants unless I’m going out in public and the rules of society dictate that one should wear real clothes. When I’m around the house, I’m always wearing some form of lounge pants. So then, would Pajama Jeans be acceptable for having casual house guests? At first, I thought yes. But then I wondered what other people would think. Guest: “Are you wearing jeans? Or are those jams?” me: “Both, actually. *smug*” Guest: “Wow. You fail at life. Go put pants on like a real person.” That is the part where I go and hide in a corner of shame. And that is why Pajama Jeans are, in fact, a terrible idea. They justify laziness.

5) The Banana Slicer. Have you ever tried to slice a banana? They’re smoother than butter. You can slice one with your finger. So why should I pay $10 for an enlarged cigar cutter that performs the exact same function as a plastic butter knife? Shoot, you could slice a banana with a spork, if you had to. There is absolutely no reason this thing should exist. I have never gone to the kitchen and thought to myself, wow. I really want a sliced banana right now. Dangit! I don’t have a banana slicer with which to slice the banana. I suppose I will have to eat the banana like a monkey. How primitive. I don’t want to give Jane Goodall more ammunition to say that people are like apes. I guess I will have to live without this banana. All because I do not have a banana slicer. I would totally spend $10 of my hard-earned cash on one of those babies. Actually, I don’t think I’ve gone to the kitchen in search of a sliced banana before. It’s just not the first snack that comes to mind.

Fact of Life: Pants is a fun word to say. Banana is a fun word to type. Therefore, Bananapants must be the best word ever.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Some Thoughts About Weddings

So my string quartet was hired to do a wedding this past weekend. I figured now would be a good time to share some revelations I’ve had.

1) It’s incredibly difficult to communicate about music with people who don’t know about music. Nothing against them, but it’s like trying to order Mexican food in British Columbia. “Mole? What’s that? Isn’t that some sort of birth mark on your face?”. Yeah it’s pretty much the same thing

2) High heels must be miserable. I’ve never worn the things, but this bride’s shoes must have added at least nine inches to her height. She wore them to the rehearsal trying to get used to them, but it only made her feet hurt. Anybody remember the Ministry of Silly Walks? Yeah.

3) Arranging music is a pain. For the uninitiated among you, arranging is the process of taking music written for one group of instruments and making playable by another group. It’s an extremely tedious process, and can probably be likened to cutting the grass at Old Trafford with safety scissors.

4) While we’re on the topic of music, Bach’s Brandenburg Concerto No. 3 needs to die in an Avalanche. The thing never ends! It’s pretty cool the first seventeen times, but it starts to wear on you after a while. Try listening to that for two hours straight. Then imagine that you play the thing (a physically exhausting process, mind you). Welcome to my rehearsals.

5)  Last more one more. When you’re playing live music at a wedding, make sure that EVERYBODY knows when and where you’re going to stop. Otherwise things get very awkward very fast. It’s also awkward having a forty-five second silence while the musicians are discussing exactly what it is they’re supposed to be playing next. Oops.

I should probably let it be known that I really do enjoy weddings. Really. 🙂

Tagged , , , , ,

Dental care

I woke up this morning to my iPod playing Dental Care, by Owl City. I knew what was coming. This morning, I had to go to the dentist. This has never been a problem for me. As a kid, I didn’t mind going for my regular cleanings and fillings and all that, it was no big deal. Until we switched dentists. That’s when I met the hygienist from hell. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a very nice lady, she’s just not very nice to teeth.

At the beginning of every visit, an intern comes in to check blood pressure, heart rate, all that good stuff. Basically, she just makes sure you are, for the most part, alive and well enough to face the horrors that will soon be upon you, the unsuspecting patient. My blood pressure came in at 93 over something or other, but apparently it was good. I felt fine, no apprehension. Until the hygienist entered the room.

Most hygienists just kinda poke around in your mouth, polish, rinse, floss, and done, right? Not this one. She feels the need to carve her initials onto the front and back of every single tooth in my head. She gets in there with her pokey needle scrapers of death, it sounds like a horror movie is happening inside my skull. And once she’s done removing all the “plaque” (read: enamel), she goes to town on my gums. Apparently it’s not ok to have flesh surrounding your teeth. So, like any good hygienist, she got after it with the needle scrapey thingies, and removed every piece of offending flesh. I’m not kidding, there were times when she pulled the scraper out and there was a chunk of what used to be my mouth hanging on it. And all the while we’re talking about Christmas and school and kids and college… all the stuff that dentists normally talk to you about while your mouth is full of stainless steel needles.

“So I went to the mall in Modesto on Christmas eve this year, *scrape, scratch* I normally don’t go on Christmas eve, because, you know, *stab* all the crowds and stuff,”

“Uh, huh *wince, squirm*”

“It was surprisingly not crowded at all, *jab, jab* and a bunch of the stores were running buy one, get one 50% off sales! *poke* It was great, I got a lot of shopping done for the kids. *rip*”

It was at that point that I felt living flesh get removed from my mouth for no other reason than she didn’t want it to be there. I shuddered as she quickly wiped it on my bib, probably hoping I wouldn’t notice. I didn’t know what to do. This chick was performing caveman surgery on my mouth and calling it cleaning. It hurt like mad, but I didn’t want to say anything. Heaven knows you’re not supposed to tick off the person with the needle scrapey thing if you’re lying in a prone position in a very comfy chair. So there I was, bleeding from pretty much every tooth. My face seriously looked like something out of a horror movie.

“Ok, now I’m just going to polish and floss and you’ll be all done,” She said with a smile. As if that was supposed to be reassuring. Fantastic, she was done with the jackhammers. Now she was just going to run some unrefined sand and perhaps an un-serrated saw across my gums. I could take this. The worst was already over, right? Wrong.

“Now when I start polishing, I’m going to need you to close your eyes, ok? We had one patient in here and the paste got into his eyes and it hurt really bad, so I just want to protect you from that.” Right. It hurt really bad. The guy was probably blind for a week. Not only that, but she probably didn’t want me to see all the blood that came flying out of my mouth when she ran the polisher over my teeth. I exhaled, preparing myself for the worst. She started polishing, and it really wasn’t that bad. Until the stuff made its way to my tongue. Normally, the paste doesn’t taste too bad, right? It’s either minty or like that fruity stuff? Nope. This tasted like a mixture of mucous and blood. Probably because that’s exactly what it was, just with a little extra grit. I made sure not to swallow anything and hoped she would rinse quickly.

Finally, the piece de resistance (note: idk what emphasis marks go where, but that’s supposed to be French, just fyi) was here: the flossing. It was actually pretty tame. Not painful at all. Until she handed me the mirror and had me take a look at the damage. Bear in mind, I keep my teeth clean. Brush 3 minutes every night, brush my retainers, wear those every night, all that stuff. She hands me the mirror, and I take a look, and I thought I was looking at a poster for *insert name of horror movie with picture of really bloody teeth*. It was nasty.

“Ok, now I’m going to have you floss, just so I know you know how to do this.” Because clearly I’ve never flossed my teeth before. Or at least, I haven’t flossed after my mouth has been taken apart by an angry gorilla with a jackhammer. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m terrified of blood. Cannot stand the sight of it. Especially around teeth. It looks absolutely revolting. So she hands me the floss, holds my lip back, and makes me draw even more blood from my gums, because apparently that’s the best way to fight gum disease. Gum disease, huh? Sure. If that’s what you kids are calling it these days.

The intern only checks blood pressure at the beginning of the visit. I think she should check it at the end, too.

Fact of Life: I’m getting a new hygienist.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Christmas

I’ve come to notice a few things about Christmas over the years. Generally, I’m the designated present-wrapper of everything except my own presents, so I’ve learned a few things about the procedure of wrapping. First, you must obtain all the necessary ingredients: the gift, paper, tape, and scissors. Without any one of these items, you might as well just hand your loved one a mangled glob of fish food. Just so you know for years to come, here is the proper procedure for wrapping a Christmas present.

1) Obtain the gift which is to be wrapped.

2) Obtain the paper which is to cover said gift.

3) Obtain the tape which is to hold said paper around said gift.

4) Obtain the scissors which cut said paper to size.

5) Unroll an amount of paper proportional to the gift to be wrapped.

6) Cut the paper to the desired size. Preferably long enough to completely cover the gift.

7) Place the paper face (decorated side) down on the floor or other wrapping surface.

8) Place the gift face down in the approximate center of the paper.

9) Take two opposing sides of the paper and bring them together over the top of the gift

10) Work some jedi mind tricks with the paper.

11) Cover the whole thing in tape.

And there you have it. If you want, you could add decorations such as ribbons, bows, or glitter.

Another thing I learned on Christmas was that it is very important to know the songs you are supposed to be singing if you’re leading worship in church. Bad things happen if you don’t know two of the songs in the Christmas program if your face is in front of a microphone and you’re supposed to be singing words. To a tune you don’t know. Yeah. Practice first, kids.

Also, sugar makes you fat. Unless you run around from the incredible high it gives you. Then you might not get fat from it. Bottom line, eat sugar. Preferably in the form of cookies. But pie is good too. And also so is eggnog.

It seems like I had more Christmas-y things to write about, but I’ve gone and forgotten them all. So I guess I’ll wrap up by saying that none of the above really matters if you don’t have the entire purpose of the holiday in mind, and that is the birth of Jesus Christ. Without Him, we wouldn’t have Christmas day, and life as we know it would be a race to death. It would be utterly pointless. Thankfully, though, Jesus stepped into this messy world and intervened. So while you’re enjoying all the baked deliciousness and electronic gizmos, stop to remember the original Christmas gift. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t wrapped as nicely as you know how to do after reading that handy guide. But it was amazing.

Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign. Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel.

(Isaiah 7:14 ESV)

Merry (day after) Christmas!

Mini rant: Has anyone noticed that the song Last Christmas plays EVERY YEAR? “Laaaaaast Christmas, I gave you my heart/ but the very next day, you gave it away/ so thiiiiiis year, to save me from tears/ I’ll give it to someone special…” Every. Year. You’d think the crooners behind this song would get the idea that perhaps Christmas romances aren’t so awesome, considering the fact that they get dumped every single time. Has anyone else noticed this?

I’m Not Your Friend!!!

Random person on YouTube, why do you want to be my friend? I have no earthly clue who you are. For all I know you could be a robot created by some nerdish pedophile. Or you could be an alien. Or a robot created by an alien. Whoever you are, I do not want to be your friend. No, I don’t care how awesome your manga collection is. In fact, I despise manga with a vehement passion. If I see another Naruto video, comic, whatever…violent things will happen. So please, do not invoke my wrath with suggestions about your Japanese drawings. Also, how the heck did you find my account in the first place? I think you’re a sadistic stalker. So I am going to decline your request. No, I don’t care if I hurt your feelings. If you really cared about my feelings maybe you would have sent me a more personalized message in the first place!!! Ever think about that? No, you didn’t, because you’re a robot created by a nerdish alien! And everybody knows that aliens love tortellini too much to care about feelings! So go stuff your face full of tortellini while I finish checking my email.

Good day, not Friend!

Tagged , , ,