Tag Archives: Funny

Stereotypes

Here is a (semi) complete, (semi) accurate list of stereotypes for orchestral instruments. Oh yeah.

  • Banjo: You’re probably Honey Boo-Boo’s third cousin removed four times or something. Stay away from the rest of us.
  • Bassoon: You try to be different, and are probably socially awkward. Odds are you don’t talk much, and when you do you say the wrong things.
  • Bass Clarinet: You’re awkward and obsessive.
  • Baritone: Identity unknown. You are a mystery, a Pandora’s box.
  • Cello: Underneath the band uniform you have a set of rock hard abs and the body of a god or goddess. You have a smile to kill for but are also painfully shy.
  • Clarinet: You like to turn up your nose at other people in your section and complain about them behind their backs. You’re a harsh critic.
  • Double Bass: You’re extremely intelligent and shy but your thoughts are scattered and random. You probably have dark hair.
  • Flute: If you’re good you’re probably a jerk to other people in your section. Even if you aren’t, people talk about you no matter what. You complain a lot and while you’re emotionally capable of handling yourself, you probably wouldn’t survive for too long out in the middle of the woods. Odds are you would also kill other flautists to get a higher chair.
  • French Horn: You know, you’re pretty hot. If you practice. If you don’t…uh…
  • Guitar: You’re obsessed with your preferred gender and like to talk about cars
  • Harp: You live the high life because let’s face it those things are EXPENSIVE. You have a Ferrari in your garage, don’t you?
  • Mandolin: You’re a few centuries off. You run around in tights and play ballads to heroes of war to other peasants on the streets.
  • Oboe: You’re extremely awkward and nobody gets your sense of humor. You also probably have plans of mass destruction hidden away in your instrument case.
  • Organ: You live in a church.
  • Percussion: You don’t like interacting with other sections and keep to yourselves. You are very competitive and like fast food.
  • Piccolo: Annoying and never shuts up. Ever. Also slightly self centered.
  • Piano: You probably have no room in your house to walk because of all the music books hidden around your house. You probably also have an affinity for cats.
  • Recorder: You’re a third grader or someone who was bored enough to actually learn the thing on the side.
  • Saxophone: You’re extremely competitive but fall over your words when you try and speak coherent sentences.
  • Trombone: You’re tall and skinny and very quiet. But we all know you’re just planning your next murder.
  • Trumpet: Ego. Ego ego ego ego ego. It grows and it grows and it consumes the entire universe.
  • Tuba: You like pizza and have a deep voice. Odds are you have a funny walk.
  • Ukulele: You’re a surfer and you live in Hawaii. No exceptions
  • Viola: You hate violinists and are very calm, and not extraordinarily competitive. You are a simple folk.
  • Violin: You are the most competitive instrument that there is. It’s bothering you right now, knowing your instrument was last on this list. Try not to stab anyone.

 

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Music Terms

If you’ve read the bio pages (hint! hint!), you’ll know that I love music and play the cello. Every once in a while musicians decide to stop being all serious and artsy (gasp) and have a sense of humor (another gasp). These musical terms (some original, some not-so-original) are a result of said humorous moments. If you don’t get them, just accept a pat on the head from me and move on.

ad libitum – playing notes that the composer totally did not write with an “I meant to do that” expression on your face

viola – the instrument they give people who can’t play the violin

cello – how I answer the phone

presto – faster than you’re actually able to play the music

senza sordino – the composer letting you know that you were supposed to put your mute on a few measures earlier

string quartet – a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists getting together to complain about composers and argue about how the music should really be played.

bar line – what musicians form after the concert

beat – what music students do to each other when they’re angry. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is performed on the bottom of the chin

rondo – plays basketball for the Celtics

etude – meaningless piece of music invented by teachers as busy work for their students

canon – it goes “boom!”. (note: a guy named Pachelbel crafted a particularly annoying one of these)

concerto – a virtuosic piece of music that pits a soloist against an orchestra as an excuse for the soloist to show off. May or may not actually contain interesting music.

cadenza – part of a concerto; in which the orchestra stops playing and the soloist has free reign. Rarely contains interesting music, but is almost always impressive.

accelerando – screw the conductor!

conductor – a big-headed individual who is also adept at following many people simultaneously

flute – A sophisticated dart gun with many valves and a range of over 750 yards. Held sideways to confuse enemies and maintain stealth

piccolo – same as flute, but intended for close quarters

glissando – a technique developed by string players for difficult runs

vibrato – technique developed by singers to disguise their pitch problems

chromatics – shiny accessories on wind instruments

dissonant – not to be confused with “datsonant”

falsetto – when guys who have gender identity issues sing notes that are too high for them

castrato – you don’t want to know

opera – bad guys reacting to Chuck Norris’ birth, embellished with vibrato and falsetto

perfect pitch – someone who is always in tune, and lets everyone know it

relative pitch – someone who is always almost in tune, and lets everyone know it

ricercar – a souped-up honda civic

equal temperament – not getting angry easily

mean temperament – getting angry very easily

half note – fifty cents

tone cluster – very interesting chord first discovered by a fat lady attempting a page turn at the piano

pentatonic scale – guitar solo

Da Capo – da thing you put on your guitar


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Welcome to My Life

Hello there, Jeremiah. You smell funny. Like you’ve been playing soccer or something. But that’s beside the point. I’m just going to stand here with a creepy face and make you feel really weird. Is it working? No? What if I made funny noises in your ear like an athsmatic pug? Oh! Pugs are so cute! I can make a face like a pug too!

Oh look, you got the ball, Jeremiah. I guess I’ll stop now.

Goodbye.

Fact of life: That’s exactly what happened. Happens all the time, in fact. Not really sure why, but I guess us soccer people seem to have this obsession with pugs. Or something like that.

Second fact of life: Headbands rule.

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Twilight Tuesday

Dear humanity,

I’m disappointed. Really. Have we sunk THIS low? Twilight Tuesday? Seriously, guys? This is not ok on so many levels, I don’t even know where to start. Scratch that, I do. Let’s start with the subject: Twilight. What is it that makes these movies worthy of having an entire day named after them at the movie theaters? Is it the acting? The actors maybe? How about that directing? Cinematography maybe? Perhaps the special effects? Let’s see about this:

The acting: I’m not even going to go into this.

 

That’s pretty much all that needs to be said, right there. I think Darth Vader shows more emotion in his face than this girl.

The Actors:

Well, as you can see in the above chart, Kristen Stewart doesn’t have much going for her. I’m sorry, but there’s gotta be some personality hiding in there somewhere, right? Right?  Whatever. Maybe personality is optional. I’ll move on. So how about Robert Pattinson? Heartthrob, right? I’ll give you this, I thought he was cute for the first 5 minutes of Twilight. After that, though, I was too busy wondering what exactly he was on. He was so relaxed the whole time! My goodness, Mr. “Forever 17 angsty teenage vampire,” you sure are mellow! Sounds like somebody is a pretty big fan of the reefer up there in Forks. Maybe that’s what made that movie so weird. Everybody was just so… chill. The only person who really indicated even a slight sense of urgency was Taylor Lautner, and we all know that he’s only good when he’s not wearing a shirt.

The Direction:

One need only to look so far as http://www.rottentomatoes.com or http://www.flixter.com to see what people thought of the direction in this movie. They’re saying that they’ll forgive the acting on account of the atrocious directing. I mean, I’m not saying I could do better, by any means, but really, if you’re a professional movie director, you should know better than this. The movies were so slow that I could have grown a beard in the space of time between action sequences if I were a guy. That brings me to the point of the action sequences: they were about as believable as the old Batman cartoons. Seriously. Beyond that, there was nothing else that made the movie stand out whatsoever. The acting was bad, the action was bad, the romance… eh, it had its moments, but the rest of the time it bordered on cheezy.

One other thing I’d like to address here in the direction section is the changing of directors over the course of the movies. Twilight itself was pretty bad, I thought. Then they made a sequel. The sequel had a different director, I thought that would make it better. Nope. New Moon was, hands down, the funniest not-funny movie I have ever seen in my life. There was absolutely nothing laughable about the script, but the delivery… I laughed out loud during some of the most intense scenes, that’s how bad it was. I haven’t seen Eclipse yet, I’ve been told it’s not too bad, but I don’t know how you can redeem a movie like New Moon. I really don’t.

The Cinematography:

I don’t have too many complaints here, except for one: the vampire-running scenes. The actors were on treadmills in front of a moving greenscreen. Classy. That, and the fact that the entire movie was tinted blue. Why was it blue? What is the significance of everything being blue? Same thing with New Moon, why was everything orange? Is that just the style? Put colored Saran wrap over the lens while shooting? Ok, whatever. If that’s what the cool kids are doing these days.

The Special Effects:

The most notable special effect in the movie was when Taylor Lautner turned into a werewolf. (Note: this could only happen if he was not wearing a shirt. He can’t transform if he’s wearing clothes, apparently.) Now here’s the thing with that: it’s not that the animation was bad, the animation was fine. However, I don’t think there was any girl who would argue with me saying that they could’ve just replaced the wolf scenes with him running around shirtless. Seriously. What was the point of the wolves? Everyone knows it’s a bunch of guys hopped up on ‘shrooms who think they’re werewolves, but in reality they’re just running around the forest without clothes. Why didn’t they show that? Who needs to spend crazy money on special effects when nobody wants to see that anyway? Also: Robert Pattinson’s sparkly skin would’ve been better if he just had a cloud of glitter surrounding him, but that’s just my opinion.

The Fans:

And this is where it gets nasty. Twilight fans, you need Jesus. I’m just going to say it like that because there’s really no other way to say it. I’ve read the books, I’ve seen some of the movies, I know what the hype is about. And I have no earthly clue why you’re so hyped up about it. Why is everyone freaking out about Team Edward and Team Jacob? Really? You think either one of them will visit you in the night and make all of your wildest dreams come true? I’ve got news for you: Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner don’t give a rip. They’re sitting back on their millions laughing hysterically as the female-teen population melts over them, Lautner with a dumbbell in his hand, Pattinson with a joint. What is all the fuss? They’re good-looking? Psh, there’s better [looking] actors pretty much anywhere you look, and they don’t have to sparkle to get your attention. There’s another breed of Twilight fan, though, that I’m almost hesitant to address (for fear they’ll put me in timeout): The Twilight Moms. You’ve seen the pictures in the news online, you know what I’m talking about. Ladies, you know who you are. This. Is not. Ok. Twilight Mom: YOU ARE MARRIED. The guy you’re crushing on is probably young enough to be your child. THAT’S DISGUSTING. You should be at home, caring for your children and your husband, not at the movie theatre fawning over fictional characters that have about as much depth as the kiddie pool you have for the summer. Please, I beg of you, grow up. No matter how many signs you make, or how loud you scream at the midnight premiere, you’re not 17 anymore. It’s not cute.

I feel like I just told a little kid that Santa isn’t real. But somebody had to break the news. There ya go, guys.

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What is this, I don’t even…

So, here’s my blog. It’s at a new spot. You know, I don’t handle change very well. I’ll have to tell you that story sometime soon. But I figured I’d post something silly for now while I finish up some deep, thinky stuff that’s working through my little brain right now.

Always tie your shoes.

Because shoelaces tend to be long and cumbersome.

Cantankerous will you be if you trip over them.

Darned shoelaces get me all the time.

Every 5 seconds, someone puts on a pair of shoes.

Glorious, colorful shoelaces are very entertaining.

Funny things happen sometimes if you don’t wear shoes.

Have you ever seen the shoes of Emperor Nero?

I haven’t; I don’t even know if he wore shoes.

Just be aware that shoes are important.

Kilometers are much easier to travel with shoes on.

Long shoelaces, however, are a pain.

More people break a leg each year from wearing long shoelaces than not using Listerine.

No one has broken a leg as a direct result of not using Listerine.

Other people may have done things equally as stupid, though.

Pertaining to shoes, most people wear them on their feet.

Questioning glances are given if you wear them on your ears.

Really, that’s not a good idea.

Sometimes, shoes can determine the difference between life and death.

Tripping over untied shoelaces could cause you to fall and break your neck.

Untied shoelaces are a pain.

Very often, people don’t even check to see if their shoelaces are tied.

Why is that?

Exactly my question.

You would think that people would pay more attention.

Zounds; I guess not.

Fact of Life: The more you try to hold in a fat sneeze, the more violent it will be when it finally exits your face. Blood vessels might burst. It probably won’t be pretty. Just sneeze and get it over with.

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