Tag Archives: Random

Stereotypes

Here is a (semi) complete, (semi) accurate list of stereotypes for orchestral instruments. Oh yeah.

  • Banjo: You’re probably Honey Boo-Boo’s third cousin removed four times or something. Stay away from the rest of us.
  • Bassoon: You try to be different, and are probably socially awkward. Odds are you don’t talk much, and when you do you say the wrong things.
  • Bass Clarinet: You’re awkward and obsessive.
  • Baritone: Identity unknown. You are a mystery, a Pandora’s box.
  • Cello: Underneath the band uniform you have a set of rock hard abs and the body of a god or goddess. You have a smile to kill for but are also painfully shy.
  • Clarinet: You like to turn up your nose at other people in your section and complain about them behind their backs. You’re a harsh critic.
  • Double Bass: You’re extremely intelligent and shy but your thoughts are scattered and random. You probably have dark hair.
  • Flute: If you’re good you’re probably a jerk to other people in your section. Even if you aren’t, people talk about you no matter what. You complain a lot and while you’re emotionally capable of handling yourself, you probably wouldn’t survive for too long out in the middle of the woods. Odds are you would also kill other flautists to get a higher chair.
  • French Horn: You know, you’re pretty hot. If you practice. If you don’t…uh…
  • Guitar: You’re obsessed with your preferred gender and like to talk about cars
  • Harp: You live the high life because let’s face it those things are EXPENSIVE. You have a Ferrari in your garage, don’t you?
  • Mandolin: You’re a few centuries off. You run around in tights and play ballads to heroes of war to other peasants on the streets.
  • Oboe: You’re extremely awkward and nobody gets your sense of humor. You also probably have plans of mass destruction hidden away in your instrument case.
  • Organ: You live in a church.
  • Percussion: You don’t like interacting with other sections and keep to yourselves. You are very competitive and like fast food.
  • Piccolo: Annoying and never shuts up. Ever. Also slightly self centered.
  • Piano: You probably have no room in your house to walk because of all the music books hidden around your house. You probably also have an affinity for cats.
  • Recorder: You’re a third grader or someone who was bored enough to actually learn the thing on the side.
  • Saxophone: You’re extremely competitive but fall over your words when you try and speak coherent sentences.
  • Trombone: You’re tall and skinny and very quiet. But we all know you’re just planning your next murder.
  • Trumpet: Ego. Ego ego ego ego ego. It grows and it grows and it consumes the entire universe.
  • Tuba: You like pizza and have a deep voice. Odds are you have a funny walk.
  • Ukulele: You’re a surfer and you live in Hawaii. No exceptions
  • Viola: You hate violinists and are very calm, and not extraordinarily competitive. You are a simple folk.
  • Violin: You are the most competitive instrument that there is. It’s bothering you right now, knowing your instrument was last on this list. Try not to stab anyone.

 

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Music Terms

If you’ve read the bio pages (hint! hint!), you’ll know that I love music and play the cello. Every once in a while musicians decide to stop being all serious and artsy (gasp) and have a sense of humor (another gasp). These musical terms (some original, some not-so-original) are a result of said humorous moments. If you don’t get them, just accept a pat on the head from me and move on.

ad libitum – playing notes that the composer totally did not write with an “I meant to do that” expression on your face

viola – the instrument they give people who can’t play the violin

cello – how I answer the phone

presto – faster than you’re actually able to play the music

senza sordino – the composer letting you know that you were supposed to put your mute on a few measures earlier

string quartet – a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists getting together to complain about composers and argue about how the music should really be played.

bar line – what musicians form after the concert

beat – what music students do to each other when they’re angry. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is performed on the bottom of the chin

rondo – plays basketball for the Celtics

etude – meaningless piece of music invented by teachers as busy work for their students

canon – it goes “boom!”. (note: a guy named Pachelbel crafted a particularly annoying one of these)

concerto – a virtuosic piece of music that pits a soloist against an orchestra as an excuse for the soloist to show off. May or may not actually contain interesting music.

cadenza – part of a concerto; in which the orchestra stops playing and the soloist has free reign. Rarely contains interesting music, but is almost always impressive.

accelerando – screw the conductor!

conductor – a big-headed individual who is also adept at following many people simultaneously

flute – A sophisticated dart gun with many valves and a range of over 750 yards. Held sideways to confuse enemies and maintain stealth

piccolo – same as flute, but intended for close quarters

glissando – a technique developed by string players for difficult runs

vibrato – technique developed by singers to disguise their pitch problems

chromatics – shiny accessories on wind instruments

dissonant – not to be confused with “datsonant”

falsetto – when guys who have gender identity issues sing notes that are too high for them

castrato – you don’t want to know

opera – bad guys reacting to Chuck Norris’ birth, embellished with vibrato and falsetto

perfect pitch – someone who is always in tune, and lets everyone know it

relative pitch – someone who is always almost in tune, and lets everyone know it

ricercar – a souped-up honda civic

equal temperament – not getting angry easily

mean temperament – getting angry very easily

half note – fifty cents

tone cluster – very interesting chord first discovered by a fat lady attempting a page turn at the piano

pentatonic scale – guitar solo

Da Capo – da thing you put on your guitar


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Hello Again…

…So nothing new has been posted here in a long time. I wonder whose fault that is. Mine? Right, anyways.

So now to remedying that. I was going to post a memo that A sent me, but that involved a slightly racist comment and didn’t make a whole lot of sense anyways. Apparently it was written after watching too much tv too late….moving on.

So here’s a video of my brother and I playing music. That came out of nowhere. But it’s kind of interesting and it’s a big part of why there’s not been a lot of time for writing. Enjoy!

I was going to award bonus points for scrolling down (and hopefully watching the video…*hint* *hint*), but I couldn’t think of a prize.

Wow, I just used comic sans. Please don’t kill me.

I’m done now. Really.

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Welcome to My Life

Hello there, Jeremiah. You smell funny. Like you’ve been playing soccer or something. But that’s beside the point. I’m just going to stand here with a creepy face and make you feel really weird. Is it working? No? What if I made funny noises in your ear like an athsmatic pug? Oh! Pugs are so cute! I can make a face like a pug too!

Oh look, you got the ball, Jeremiah. I guess I’ll stop now.

Goodbye.

Fact of life: That’s exactly what happened. Happens all the time, in fact. Not really sure why, but I guess us soccer people seem to have this obsession with pugs. Or something like that.

Second fact of life: Headbands rule.

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I’m Not Your Friend!!!

Random person on YouTube, why do you want to be my friend? I have no earthly clue who you are. For all I know you could be a robot created by some nerdish pedophile. Or you could be an alien. Or a robot created by an alien. Whoever you are, I do not want to be your friend. No, I don’t care how awesome your manga collection is. In fact, I despise manga with a vehement passion. If I see another Naruto video, comic, whatever…violent things will happen. So please, do not invoke my wrath with suggestions about your Japanese drawings. Also, how the heck did you find my account in the first place? I think you’re a sadistic stalker. So I am going to decline your request. No, I don’t care if I hurt your feelings. If you really cared about my feelings maybe you would have sent me a more personalized message in the first place!!! Ever think about that? No, you didn’t, because you’re a robot created by a nerdish alien! And everybody knows that aliens love tortellini too much to care about feelings! So go stuff your face full of tortellini while I finish checking my email.

Good day, not Friend!

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Walter.

Once upon a time, there was an octopus who loved hyperbole. His favorite pastime was to sit around and spin long yarns about most anything. His second favorite pastime was to say hyperbole as many times as he could, because he loved the way it rolled off his tongue. (note, I had planned to strike this out by saying that octopuses don’t have tongues. Turns out they do. Humor attempt: thwarted.) Oh, wait, octopuses can’t sit. And it’s octopi. 

Once upon a time, there was an elephant who loved hyperbole. His favorite pastime was to sit around and spin long yarns about most anything. His second favorite pastime was to say hyperbole as many times as he could, because he loved the way it rolled off his tongue. This elephant’s name was Walter. Because of his tendency to tell tall tales, Walter was rather short on friends. You see, Walter’s peers did not share his appreciation for certain literary devices, and with good reason: they were animals. Animals can’t appreciate literature. Walter was rarely invited to parties anymore because of his habit of honing his hyperbolic handiness. However, he continued to collect his creative capabilities to conceive more compositions of colorful capacity. He often practiced his delivery in the woods, to make sure that his stories were as absurd and hilarious as he could make them. Though he seemed satisfied spending much of his time making up stories, Walter yearned for more. He wanted an audience. He wanted someone to appreciate his efforts. Soon, Walter became discouraged. He stopped practicing his deliveries. No one wanted to hear his tales anyway. Finally, he gave up entertaining even himself with his exaggerations. He used his trunk to burrow a hole in the ground, and when it was finished, he crawled inside it and hid, keeping only his trunk above ground for air. The sky began to rain. One drop landed at precisely the perfect spot on a leaf, and a tiny tree frog came tumbling down from high atop a tree and landed squarely on Walter’s trunk. This spooked Walter terribly, so that he jumped up from his hole in the ground, leaving behind a massive crater. The tree frog managed to hang on to Walter’s trunk, and he stayed there clinging for dear life until Walter noticed him.

“Why, hello, tiny toad. To what do I owe this surprise visit from such a petite reptile as yourself?” Asked Walter.

“T-t-t-t-t-titus is m-m-m-m-my name, s-s-s-sir. I-i-i-i-i’ve got, a t-tendency to stutter-ter-ter.” Walter gazed at Titus for a moment, mesmerized. Here was a minute tree frog, but he contained all the rapping power of Eminem and Jay-Z without all the swearing and crude content! This was brilliant! Titus glanced down, obviously ashamed of his imperfection. Walter’s mind began to spin at all the possibilities for greatness. With his literary genius combined with Titus’s hip hop prowess, the duo could be unstoppable! They set to work almost immediately on writing a rap that would soon gain renown as the greatest song ever written in the history of the animal kingdom.

The lyrics were as follows:

Born on the south side of the jungle gym
Where we rumbled and raved till the rhythms went dim
He had a body mass index of four hundred and nine
While some may call it fat, I think it’s just fine
He had alliterative tendencies that troubled my peers
They’re allergic to his aphoristic anthems, I fear
He has seventeen addresses that receive hate mail
And he checks them every day so it doesn’t get stale
As you can probably imagine this routine got old
So he poured out all his patience and stuck his head in a hole
In a log lying lamely in a luminous pile
Of Kentucky Fried Chicken spanning over a mile
His appetite was fierce and this aviary grub
Burned like fire in his eyes, so attractive to that chub
But as he sank in his teeth, out of the corner of his eye
He saw a fly being swallowed by a little green guy
T-t-titus was his name and a t-tendency to stammer
Put his rapping potential up with the likes of MC Hammer
He was bound for superstardom and if you can’t already see
The r-rapper called T-t-titus was none other than m-m-me

I travel the world in my 747
I hit up the clubs where we party till eleven
In the morning when it’s light, you’d think we be gettin’ tired
But I just down another Monster so as not to expire
Now a fateful Monday morning on a maniacal Monster craze
We’d partied so hard the room was filled with purple haze
My imp-p-pediment dulled my diction down to downright disgusting
All the sugar I’d consumed had my dental fixtures rusting
So Walter and I up and quit the clubbin’ scene
Yeah we joined a monastery like those dudes from Nicene
So the moral of the story as I think I’ve made it clear
Is if you ever see an amphibious rapper come near
Enjoy your little lick of limelight ’cause it won’t last long
Then prepare yourself for a life of chanting Gregorian songs
Now here’s another line as a bonus prize:
I like Italian dressing on Slovakian french fries

No that’s not quite right…how about “Hand me the vuvuzela or i’ll poke out your eyes!”

No, no, no…”Every time you catch a fastball a Puerto Rican child dies?”

No, that’s a bit racist. Hmm…”They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard, guys!!!!”

Wait a second, that’s not very original.

All this idiotic indecision is making Anna cry.

And that was the end of the song.

Within about 2 weeks of radio play, the song had eclipsed every number 1 that has ever been released by Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and Ke$ha, combined. It went viral all over the internet. Soon, Walter and Titus became so ridiculously famous that they had to go and hide in the rain forest to escape all the paparazzi. To ensure that they went out with a bang, Walter and Titus had wax replicas of themselves made to look like they were dead. They left the replicas in their shared apartment along with several empty bottles of pills. When Walter and Titus arrived back home in their African rain forest, they breathed a sigh of relief. They were glad to be rid of all the publicity. Coincidentally, they found the recording studio where all the “dead” artists make their music. There, they ran in to Tupac Shakur, Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Walter and Titus were offered a multi-million dollar contract with the studio, but they refused. The elephant and the frog were now officially out of the music business. They’d had their fun, but it was time to go back to being an animal again. They declined the music contract, and the two lived happily ever after as renegades in the African Rainforest, writing raps that would never be read and resting them in a red repository which was reserved in a remote region which required religious repetition of rites for reception.

-THE END-

Special thanks to Jeremiah for that EPIC rap! Also to http://www.thesaurus.com for help on the alliteration. 😀

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Infinity

Dear internet,

Mirror inception

why has no one told me about this?

Eh?

I think this is the phenomenon that inspired Inception. Seriously. It’s like there’s multiple levels of reality or something, but the further in you go, the more distorted everything gets. That probably has some deep philosophical meaning behind it, but I’m on cold pills right now so this is all open to your interpretation.

This right here is a portal to infinity! Why has no one made a big deal about it? Seriously, I think C.S. Lewis found himself trapped between two mirrors one day and that’s how he discovered Narnia. He just walked in about 7 levels, turned left, and there was Mr. Tumnus eating a carrot with Reepicheep the mouse. No lie. Then he wrote books about it and made millions of dollars.

Fact of Life: You could probably make like a bajillion and 13 dollars, just by placing 2 mirrors facing each other and confusing people. Seriously, guys. This is a big deal. I’m surprised there aren’t memes about this yet. Whoops. Just admitted I’m a nerd.

Life tip: If you have written on your hand with a Sharpie, do not fall asleep with said hand on your face. You will wake up with strange markings on your eyebrow, and you won’t be able to get it off.

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Why you should never leave WordPress drafts unattended

A: I haven’t posted in forever, and I feel terrible about it. So now I’m going to attempt to write something and hope it works.

So I went paintballing yesterday [insert laughter here]. That’s actually all I had. Now I’m just staring at this computer screen waiting for something brilliant to happen. But wait, the brilliant things only happen when I type them. Bummer how that works. Ok, paintballing. Funny thing about that, because

J: BECAUSE I’M HIJACKING YOUR POST!!!!!!!!

I don’t know why I’m doing this, but I’m super bored. Actually that’s not true. I really should be doing schoolwork right now. But Calcumus is difficult to get my mind around, and I really feel like not thinking. Here’s an entry from wikipedia.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Androcles

That was random. Gold star for you if you clicked on it. Two gold stars if you knew who Androcles was before you clicked on it. Three gold stars if you are Aesop. Four gold stars if you laughed a little bit. Five gold stars if you think this is getting ridiculous. Six gold stars if you’re still on the page. Sorry, no more stars for you. Where’s a picture of the soup Nazi when I need it…

Draft hijacked. You’re welcome.

Fact of Life: Don’t leave your stuff around where J can reach it. It may not be the same when you come back to it

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This draft is a message to J

Because it’s like 11:00 right now and I meant to tell you earlier and I forgot and this is starting to sound like an awesome run-on sentence so i’m just gonna keep it going because i wanted to tell you that we should add Tom’s shoes to our “awesome things” sidebar and now it’s 11:11 and i’m making a wish and my wish is that my homework is all gone and i can go to bed but it didn’t work cuz i still have homework and this sentence is actually pretty epic right now i’m not even gonna lie like i didn’t even use commas wow this is really bad you’re prolly crying right now so i’m going to go brush my teeth and go to bed ok bye!

J: Done. And that was completely epic. I cried. I’m totally keeping this draft! And here’s some gifts for you: ,,..,;!,.;?,..,,, not that you’ll use them :p

A: rofl thanks i just now read this at 9:00 and i’m going to try and do my little runon thing again because it was pretty epic and super entertaining to write but i don’t really have anything to write so here’s some random nonsense and btw i loved the gungor music that you sent me earlier today it was pretty awesome and i think my hands are freaking out because i really want to add punctuation and i can’t because this is supposed to be a runon sentence so now my hands are like having seizures because there’s no punctuation and they can’t type periods and commas and stuff like that oh so my family just finished watching heidi it was pretty awesome i forgot how much i love shirley temple she’s pretty epic not gonna lie have you seen that movie it’s crazy good i almost died cuz of the suspense but everything turned out just fine in the end but the twists were pretty heartbreaking i gotta find a way to keep this thing going somehow because i’ve outdone my previous one by a whole line so far and this is really difficult but i’m thinking that maybe we should let this continue for a little while and then post it because it’s pretty funny ok i’m literally out of things to say so i think i’m done now ohwait one more thing did you ever notice that if you look at OK sideways like an emoticon it’s totally a little person it’s pretty awesome and now i’m pretty much done if my english teacher ever saw this she would probably have a heart attack and die that is all now the end

.!,,..;…!?,,.,,.;.,.,,?,…[intersperse as necessary.]

J: Wow. I think you need therapy or something. But at the same time you’re setting world records here. Actually that’s not true, you still don’t have anything on William Faulkner. Maybe a couple thousand or so more words. But don’t feel the need to try :p. Because I exploded of lackofpagebreakitis. It’s a legit disease. Trust me. I’m a doctor.

A: i don’t even know who william faulkner is but i guess i should take that as a compliment question mark  you know what i am just going to post this as is because my writers block has been absolutely terrible lately and i would post something from the archives but i don’t think you want to read this super dry thing about greek mythology like don’t get me wrong mythology is cool and all that but it’s not one of the more interesting stories i’ve written and anyway i’m finding this little game rather entertaining so i think i’ll post it just for the heck of it because the only other things i can think of to post right now that are ready to go are some really bad poems or something that resulted from a vicodin trip i’m not a druggie it happened right after i got my wisdom teeth out and was rather lacking in wisdom haha that was totally not funny at all and now i’m bored i’m seriously hoping that all of this runon sentence business gets all of the writer’s block out of my system so i can be normal again and write real things i think i had an inspiration for one earlier today but when i came here to write it it was totally gone and i stared at the screen for like 20 minutes waiting for something to happen but nothing did and if anyone is still reading this i don’t know if i should thank you or tell you to get a life maybe both ok all done bye.

Fact of Life: This is what happens as a result of lack of mental stimulation, excessive tiredness, and being really, really bored. I have no clue how you endured all of this, but congratulations. You win. The end.

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Pages

Wow, three weeks in a row! I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up! I also don’t know how much longer I can say silly things about accomplishing a fairly menial task! And just for good measure, here’s another exclamation point!

All silliness aside, here’s this week’s poem. Which has a marked difference in tone from that first paragraph. Whatever.

Pages

Empty pages mock me
Screaming in their silence
Filled with empty violence
Chaos waiting to be born
Some just waiting to be torn
From bindings worn thin by time
But not by use, for blankness screams
Potential teems in countless reams
And dreams the dreams of meaning
To contain the thoughts of a sage
Or even a lunatic’s rage
Anything but the nothingness
That fills an empty page.

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